and for that i apologise. i never meant to make it tough for you.
you were never fighting against the enemy - you were fighting yourself. i convinced you it was right and that there was something worth fighting for.
i apologise for turning your mind against you. i gave you no hope of survival this year apart from the words that you ink onto paper before locking away.
apart from the escape of being in someone else’s shoes on stage for an hour or two and even then the joy that once came with such activities disappeared.
i’m sorry i let you believe that you weren’t worth that love. you weren’t good enough for that crush you had, you weren’t special enough for familial love and you definitely weren’t normal enough for platonic affection.
most of all you were never worth the love that flows from your heart in a never ending stream waiting for someone to push it back so you feel that heartbreak - letting it creep into every crevice, cementing the fact that you were unlovable.
i was wrong.
i was lost in the darkness that clouded my sight and turned my living days into the same nightmares i saw at night.
that took away the joy and light of dreams and replaced them with a void of empty space as the violent thoughts corrupted my nights as well.
i am sorry.
i say it a lot to others, to the animals and even to the world we live in but i don’t say it to you.
i have hurt you. more that anyone else possibly could have.
i look back upon this year and i wonder when the hope lighting the way disappeared. the once ignited flame was lost in the shadows and there was no room for it in the self-pity i shrouded you with.
dear me,
the new year is almost upon and i want to be better for you,
The year is 2018. Your bills are on autopay. You just got paid and you still have $1200 from the last check. When you want something, you buy it without moving money around. Your credit cards are paid off. You and your friends have 2 international trips planned and paid for this year. Your parents are in great health and you’re able to help if they need anything. You love your job. Your desired creative career is falling into place and you get to take your little cousins to Six Flags and Universal Studios over the Summer. Your relationships are healthy and supportive. All of the toxic energy from the past 6 years is gone. You going to concerts, eating good across the states and your crib has art and warmth throughout. 2018 is going to be so good to you.
There will be people who leave you. You will feel heartbroken. You will lose a sense of who you are at some point. You will feel like you can’t go on. But you will find joy again. You will heal from all the things that once made you feel broken. You will always find your way back to yourself. And you’ll pick yourself back up and wonder why you ever doubted living. Keep going.
